Struggling...

Sometimes I just say, "I'm struggling," but what does that really mean? We all struggle with so many different things. I needed my mom's help today, because let's face it, sometimes we just need our mom and I am fortunate enough to still have her. She offered me someone else's help and I just had to admit that "I'm struggling" today and talking to someone was not the best idea at the moment... But again, what does that really mean?

What struggling means to me...

• I'm barely holding it together
• I'm on the verge of tears
• I'm not sure what I'm doing
• I'm not sure what I want to be doing
• I'm not sure what my value is
• I'm not confident at the moment
• I'm just not sure what to be sure about

Whenever I struggle, it feels dark and lonely. I visualize being out hiking. At first I'm on a hill and it's bright and sunshiny and I can see for miles and miles around. The sky is blue, the clouds are cheerful and bright. Then I go down a hill into a valley, a draw, or a depression, and it gradually gets foggy and dank and dark. I'm unable to see where I am or where to go. It feels like I'm wandering aimlessly trying to find a way to get back to high ground so I can get out of the fog and back into the sunshine. 

Feelings are as real as we make them. The feelings I experience when I struggle are real and while I'm struggling it is easy to feed into them, to give them more strength. In essence, I create my fog, I make it worse. I make it dark by looking way from the light. I make it dank by avoiding what is fresh. 

The truth is, that none of that is real, but I make it real by giving it space. In truth, I know who I am, even if I have a hard time believing it at times. I have those around me who love me, support me, believe in me, and hope and pray for the best. I am at heart a positive optimist, even if I struggle. That means I'm human. I'm human and I struggle and I'm not afraid to admit it. 

The Black Hole

Life is never easy, or at least it doesn't stay easy. Different parts of my life I put in the realm of the black hole. The black hole is the term I use for when my life is dark and I feel lost, things blur together, and few memories are made.

Going Up... (10/15/2000)

Imagine this, you are standing at the foot of a ladder that is the pathway to achieving a goal you have set for yourself. As you look up toward the top of the ladder, you are dismayed to find out that you cannot see the end, except to know what it is that you want to accomplish.

You look around you so that you'll remember this place where you were before your life began to change as you decided to climb after this goal. You notice that you are surrounded on all sides by mountains that appear tall and unyielding, and you think to yourself, "Am I crazy?" You decide it doesn't matter and you take one more look around, take a deep breath, and take hold of the ladder.

With a sigh and a small prayer you begin to climb. You feel so good about yourself that you take the ladder 2 or 3 rungs at a time. You are full of excitement and great expectations. You look around and all ready the mountains look smaller and not quite so threatening.

Then, all of the sudden, a wind blows and catches you right as you jump up 3 rungs and it knocks you down a couple rungs. You shake your head and catch your breath and look around you, wondering what happened. You notice that the mountains are taller than they were when you last looked and you wonder why because you only went down 2 rungs.

Now, some of your enthusiasm is gone. You wonder if you have really gained anything by coming even this far. However, you take another breath and look around. The mountains were taller and you wonder if they don't just grow whenever you just stand there. You begin to climb again.

This time, you move slower, not wanting that wind to catch you unawares again. You are taking each rung one at a time and feel pretty good about your progress after a few minutes. You also notice though, that you tire easily and that it would be so easy to just stop climbing for a minute and take a breather. You do.

As you stand there relaxing, you look around at the mountains and are pleased at your relation to them. They don't look nearly so tall anymore. You close your eyes and relax, but just for a minute. When you open your eyes, you notice that the mountains are much taller than they were before you closed your eyes. You take another deep breath, look up, find that even after you have climbed, you still can't see the end of the ladder, and you... begin to climb.

You climb and climb. When you look around, you notice that the mountains are appreciably shorter. You climb a little more, look around, and see that everything looks the same. You think that you're fooling yourself, so you keep climbing, thinking nothing of it. When you look again and still think things are the same, you decided to notice a few peculiarities so that you can be sure.

After you have climbed for a long time, forcing yourself not to look around. You finally give in and take a peek at what is around you. Nothing has changed and yet, you have climbed so far.

Your shoulders sink and you think you should just give up. You notice that a seat has appeared, it is attached to a rung down the ladder about 4 rungs. Sighing dejectedly, you move down and sit on it.

After a minute, you think to yourself that you might as well keep climbing. You notice that the mountains have grown a little during the time you sat there, although you only went down 4 rungs. You are almost upset by the difference one rung below you or one minute standing still makes, but you decide to keep on climbing, for you are gaining nothing by just sitting.

On you go, one rung at a time. You wonder to yourself about why you keep going on when it appears that you really don't gain anything from it. You still get tired and the mountains go by so slowly, where at first they had gone by so quickly.

All the sudden, you come to a platform. As you stand upon it, you notice that there is a ladder that goes up and you think to yourself, "No way." Then, you notice a sign that says, "Shuttle, going down," with an arrow that points back the way you have already come.

You take a quick look around and are surprised to see yourself even with the tops of the mountains, and you are only more confused. Nothing had changed until all the sudden there you were. On an impulse, you move carefully to the edge of the platform and look down... and down... and down. You cannot see the end of the ladder, it disappears long before the bottom where you stood when you first looked up.

You are frightened by being so high up on a ladder and a platform that is not supported in any way that you can see. Then, you look up.

You see a man holding the ladder. There is nothing to support him, but when he meets your eyes, you know that nothing is needed, nor do you need any more support than what he gives. In his eyes there is love, wisdom, and an infinite strength you wish to have one day as your own.

You look around you again: the ladder goes up towards the man, or the shuttle going down, where you had already been. You look and see a new set of mountains rising taller than the first but not so foreboding. You smile and take hold of the ladder and begin to climb, going up... and up... and up...

Let me Count the Ways (2/28/2012)

"Lord," I said, "How do you love me?"
     The Lord said to me,

"How do I love thee?
     Let me count the ways...
     Each tear that fell,
     each drop of blood,
     each sorrow borne,
     each stripe I took.
          Let me count the ways."

He looked me in the eye...
     "Each star you see,
     each breath you take,
     each wonder of nature,
     each day of your life,
          Let me count the ways."

He took me by the hand...
     "Each healing miracle,
     each feeling of joy,
     each pain lifted,
     each coming of hope.
          Let me count the ways."

He showed me His wounds...
     "Each scar I bear,
     each day since I rose,
     each moment on the cross,
     each minute of eternity.
          Let me count the ways."

He took me in His arms...
     Each time it comes out right,
     when you don't have to fight.
     Each time you feel alone,
     and I welcome you back home.
My child, how do I love thee?
     I know, you count the ways."

For all who read this, this is something I wrote during a time in my life when I leaned heavily upon the love of my Lord and Savior. While that could easily describe pretty much all the times in my life, this was a time when He allowed me to find these words. For me, they are an expression of His love and compassion toward all of us. I hope that in some way, you will feel His love as you read the words, accept them in the spirit in which they are written, and that you are able to feel, in some small way, what I felt as these words came into my heart. I know of my love for my Savior and I know of His love for me and for each of my kindred brothers and sisters who live, have lived, and will live. May His love find a place in your heart.

More about the things we do

So, I've thought more about the things we do. My great-grandpa Cox used to say, "Happy is the man who loves to do what he has to do." We are not in this life for drudgery. Even the simplest of tasks can be a joyous occasion if we accomplish it with the right frame of mind. Doing dishes can be tedious, repetitive, and mind-numbing or it can be a labor of love, a time for reflection, and time of renewal. The way we feel, think, and then act will in large part determine whether we enjoy the things we do.

"Why do we do the things we do?"

Les Jones, a well known professor of psychology at Southern Utah University, is well known for his question/statement, "Why do we do the things we do?" His response is then to teach his students about FAT- feelings, actions, and thoughts. This then, is the conglomeration that leads to the actualization of actions in our lives. Perhaps actions is the wrong word, action implies some intent to act, while our behavior, and those things we just do or don't do, are not always guided by an intent to act.

Many of the great and wise men in the world have attempted to express the impact of our thoughts in our lives. James Allen, in possibly one of my absolute favorite books "As a Man Thinketh" teaches this with such simplistic clarity that it seems implausible that one would not understand this premise, our thoughts do impact and influence our lives. Some of us have the wrong idea about what a thought is and what thinking is. The simple turning over of mundane information in our minds, is not thinking. I was told as a college student that most students have never actually had a real thought. We regurgitate and we imitate and we perhaps venture into connecting ideas, but actual thinking?, not so much.

The thoughts that have the greatest impact on our actions are perhaps thoughts we aren't even aware of. Some may scoff at the idea of subconscious thoughts impacting their everyday behavior and responses, but can they actually deny that the same might be true? Then, in conjunction with our thoughts are our feelings and our actions that must be considered to fully comprehend our behavior and the way we live.

I have come to the conclusion that our lives are a spider's web. Any slight disturbance or contact with part of the web must, in even some small way, impact the remainder of the web. In this way, all aspects of ourselves are effected with any occurrence in our lives. This may lead to an almost "which came first, the chicken or the egg" discussion when it comes to discussing why we do the things we do. Do we smile because we feel good, or do we feel good because we are smiling? Sometimes, the sequence of events can be unraveled, but other times it is not so clearly understood.

The idea of FAT- feelings, actions, and thoughts makes it sound simplistic to understand why we do the things we do. However, it is not altogether that easy. For instance, depression. When one has experiences with depression, as I have, it is not enough at the time to say, this is in relation to my feelings, actions, and thoughts and that by changing them, I will get better, I will feel better, I will be able to enjoy my life again. There is a place for changing our thought cycle, by recognizing and not condoning negative self-talk, to practice positive self-visualization, but it just may not be enough. So, the religious person holds up the faith card, saying, but if you have enough faith, you can do all things. I have often wondered how these pieces fit together. Each of our lives is a different puzzle and each puzzle has different pieces that fit together differently.

You have your issues, I have mine. To try saying it isn't so would be like saying a Zebra has brown and orange stripes, and that whales swim in the sky. It is just a matter of due course that we all have our own issues. How we deal with our issues is a combination of our feelings, actions, and thoughts. However we may look at it, that is what we boil down to, our FAT. And, while some people will hate this, only you can deal with your FAT, no one else will have an ultimate impact but yourself. So, lets accept our own FAT and deal with it on our terms and leave the responsibility up to each individual to do with their FAT as they see fit.

For life

The son of a dear friend of mine passed away yesterday. He has taken the next step in the process of our lives and goes to prepare a place for those who follow. As I sat thinking and feeling, these words came to me.

Steps are taken, day by day

Choices are made, moment to moment

Where our direction will go, only one knows.

Dreams are dreamed, night by night

Hearts are warmed, smile by smile

Who we will touch, only one knows.

Lives are lived, year to year

Loves are found and lost in life

When it will end, only one knows.

Promise

We all know that there a different kinds of people in the world. Some are tall, short, fat, skinny, in between, you name it, the list could go on and on with different ways to describe people. I've thought a lot about the differences between positive, negative, optimist, pessimist, and realist. The problem with any of these, is that it is all subjective. As long as there is a human element in viewing a situation or person, subjectivity factors in. I've learned a lot about objectivity and subjectivity in learning about research paradigms, methods, etc. Some individuals highly value objectivity and strive to attain it, realizing however, that true objectivity is not possible, but something to work toward. 

So, positive vs negative; optimism vs pessimist, and then contrast them all with realism. It is fairly easy to think of some people and say they are an optimist, a very positive person, and others it's pretty evident that they are more negative and pessimistic. Then there are the realists, who claim that viewing reality is neither positive or negative, reality just is. We all know we'd much rather be around people who are positive rather than people who are negative. Sometimes even positive people have a glass half empty day. Some quotes:

"Between optimist and pessimist, the difference is droll. One sees the donut, the other sees the hole."

"A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity. An optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty."

It seems that some people just could possibly never be happy, because they are always critiquing, or judging, and not taking time or giving room for just enjoying or appreciating. I decline to agree that we are born viewing the world in a certain way. In the movie South Pacific, we learn from the song "You've got to be carefully taught" that hate and fear are learned as we grow. Our outlook in life is like that too. We are not victims of circumstance. 

Do any of you know people like this?

Me: "Look at that big tree."

Other: "I've seen bigger."

Me: "Look at the colors on that tree, aren't they magnificent?"

Other: "I've seen prettier trees" or "I prefer another color."

Me: "Isn't it a beautiful day?"

Other: "It would be better if..." or "Tomorrow is supposed to be better."

So what if you've seen bigger trees, it doesn't mean you can't appreciate the view of another tree. So what if you've seen prettier trees or prefer a different color of leaves in the fall. You can still appreciate the beauty of that tree. So what if you wish something else for today or are looking for something different tomorrow. Today is the day you have to appreciate, or that tree in front of you is right there to appreciate, and you can still marvel at the size of that tree and appreciate the life it's lived. We may all wish for something different, something better, but it doesn't have to keep us from enjoying the here and now. 

Here's a toast to positivism and optimism, taking your reality and seeing what's good and wonderful and magical about it. 

Coming Clean- beginning the chronicle

Guess what, y'all? I suffer from depression, dysomnia, and moderate OCD. I figure I've struggled with them most of my life. For years I let it define me, I let myself thing that it made me less of a person for some strange reason, and that I was protecting myself by not admitting these issues out loud. Guess what? I don't care anymore. We all have our problems and sometimes they are worse than other, sometimes they have a greater impact than at other times. It reminds me of the analogy about a group of people who hung their "burdens" on a clothesline. At first they would look at the burdens hung up by others and think, it's smaller than mine and I could deal with that. After looking at the rows of burdens on the lines the individuals finally were ready to reclaim their own burdens in comparison with what other's go through. James also likes to watch the show "Baggage." The premise of the show is that a dater reviews the baggage of three potential "datees" to see which one has baggage that is acceptable and which has baggage that is not acceptable.

So anyway- here's my baggage.

• I have trust issues- I am trusting, but I don't want to/have not been willing to "let people in." I am great at listening to other's empathizing, but I wasn't willing to return that same level of trust and share my own insecurities or issues. There have been a few exceptions to this, but for the most part I held people away. 
• I count- and this one is difficult to explain. I started counting in junior high and it is still a large part of daily life. I count by fives, I've even found myself counting out paragraphs to see if the letters in the paragraph are divisible by 5. I count around things, particularly rectangles, circles, or triangles by seventeen, eighteen, nineteen, twenty (and by the way, seventeen is bigger than twenty). That may be strange, but it beats counting from 1 to 20. It does get annoying when I get caught up in counting around each reflector pole I pass, thank goodness there aren't many reflector poles where I live now. It's frustrating though when things I count aren't divisible by 5. 
• Sleep- a major issue for me. I have been diagnosed with dysomnia, which includes insomnia and other problems with sleep as well. I am loving finally getting a good nights sleep, although I don't particularly appreciate not remembering my daughter putting stickers on my arm, not remembering what is dream or reality from the night before, but it is kind of fun to stand on the end of my bed and say "Timber" and fall forward on my face.
• Depression- I consider 2010 to be the "black hole" because there is nothing there. It's like living in a fog, a dark, dank, foggy reality. I've had a few moments of being in the sunshine, being out of the fog for a bit, and it's getting better, but is still an issue. 

As a result of my issues, I've been thinking a lot about how different people cope, how people keep going, how faith interacts to help get through things, and how we all struggle with our own individual problems. I was speaking with my father-in-law, who has helped me a great deal get through things, and he reminded me that the greatest battle we will fight in our lives will be within our own minds. I believe he was paraphrasing from Sterling W. Sill. Believe me, I know what he means. I've seen the people that are having a battle in my mind. 

So, now we have the summary. I am bitterly embroiled in the battle of my life and it remains to be seen where it goes from here. 

Lessons Learned

I'm sure most, if not all, parents have experienced epiphanies while raising their children. It is not uncommon to experience those "Ah-hah!" moments when we come to understand some facet of human behavior by watching our children go through their experiences. Some of them can even be painful as we are brought up short with our own faults thrown back in our face. Today, I realized again that, while I may find certain behaviors and attitudes of my children to be annoying, I should really try to work on acting more like them.

They play hard, they love greatly, they are loyal (minus the occasional upsets that beset their sibling relationships, but beware the one who goes against a family member), they laugh deeply and often, they are honest and open, they call the cards the way they see them, and so much more.

It never ceases to amaze me how they can go from best friends, to bitter enemies, and back again, sometimes in almost the same breath. Peter will torment his sisters unmercifully and then turn around and work just as hard to make them laugh it off. Ellie dances the way she feels, she doesn't hold back. She doesn't hold back with much at all. They each have something so unique to offer the world, and it helps me remember that we all have something to offer. Liahna is unfailingly caring for other people. She often tells me about her friends at school that she helped in some way and she is generous to a fault (except for those occasional moments with her brother) with those that she is around. What life lessons are learned as they grow up.

The saying "I learned all I needed to know in Kindergarten" could easily be said "I learned all I needed to know when my kids finished Kindergarten."

Interests vs. passions

I attended a seminar in high school that has really stuck with me, and frankly, bothered me a bit. The subject of the seminar was "Finding your passion."

From the dictionary on my computer-
passion |ˈpa sh ən|
noun
1 strong and barely controllable emotion : a man of impetuous passion. See note at emotion .
• a state or outburst of such emotion : oratory in which he gradually works himself up into a passion.
• intense sexual love : their all-consuming passion for each other | she nurses a passion for Thomas.
• an intense desire or enthusiasm for something : the English have a passion for gardens.
• a thing arousing enthusiasm : modern furniture is a particular passion of Bill's.

Here I am addressing the intense desire or enthusiasm for something.

Also from my dictionary (much quicker to copy and paste than actually go downstairs, get my dictionary and type it in)-
interest |ˈint(ə)rist|
noun
1 the state of wanting to know or learn about something or someone : she looked about her with interest.
• ( an interest in) a feeling of wanting to know or learn about (something) : he developed an interest in art.
• the quality of exciting curiosity or holding the attention : a tale full of interest.
• a subject about which one is concerned or enthusiastic : my particular interest is twentieth-century poetry.
2 money paid regularly at a particular rate for the use of money lent, or for delaying the repayment of a debt : the monthly rate of interest | [as adj. ] interest payments.
3 the advantage or benefit of a person or group : the merger is not contrary to the public interest | we are acting in the best interests of our customers.
• archaic the selfish pursuit of one's own welfare; self-interest.
4 a stake, share, or involvement in an undertaking, esp. a financial one : holders of voting rights must disclose their interests | he must have no personal interest in the outcome of the case.
• a legal concern, title, or right in property : third parties having an interest in a building.
5 (usu. interests) a group or organization having a specified common concern, esp. in politics or business : the regulation of national interests in India, Brazil, and Africa.

So, when does interest become a passion? Passion seems to be an intense form of interest; passion perhaps begins with interest and gradually builds. To what extent are we satisfied pursuing our interests instead of our passions?

Some individuals seem to be blessed to know their passions and to have their passions be something to which they can fully devote themselves. Other individuals are not so lucky, they may not have a clear sense of who they are enough to know what truly interests them in order to discover their passion. It would be a sad thing, to be swayed and tossed by the world to accepting interests and perhaps even claiming a passion that is not one's own.

Here's to hoping that we are all fortunate enough to find our passion.

Water and heights

Most folks who know me know that I'm afraid of heights and water. I had great friends in high school who would take pity on me and help me change the marquis when that was my job. I had a great friend who signed up for a swimming class with me to help me work on my fear of water. I've made some progress regarding those two fears over the last few years, but I still have my moments, especially when the two elements are combined, like with bridges.

It doesn't seem quite right that a person afraid of heights and water should live right next to the Mississippi River. There are two bridges here in town that connect Iowa to Illinois and one a few miles upriver that I really, very highly dislike. I have named that particular bridge "The Goat Trail on Stilts."

Some people agree with me and others don't see what is so bad about driving over expanded metal. I've even been stopped on the middle of that bridge because of road construction- not my happiest memory. Yes, that bottom picture is the view below the car when we were stopped on the bridge.

To drop James off at the airport we had to cross over. When I took him to drop him off they were doing construction on the north bound lane but because it was way early in the morning when I dropped him off, it wasn't too bad, other that the fact that the left lane was blocked and lanes are too stinking narrow to begin with, but I made it. It didn't occur to me that when I went back to pick James up- they would have moved the construction to the south bound lane as well- by the time I realized this, it was too late and I ended up in bumper-to-bumper, one-lane traffic going over the river. I was somewhat distracted by my frustration about one my biggest pet-peeves, people who try to go as far up the lane that ends. When it says merge, people should MERGE! Not drive up as far as they can to get further up the line, because it's those idiots that contribute to the bumper-to-bumper aspect of driving through road construction.

Anyway, we made it, I survived going over the bridges and I suppose I'll either get used to it, or go even crazier than I already am.

Houston

James is completing his last residency for Walden University this week in Houston and I got to come with him. We've been to Galveston Island, played on the beach of the Gulf of Mexico, driven across Pelican Island (not much there), attended the Houston Temple, eaten dinner at Chilo's Mexican Seafood Restaurant (which is an interesting experience), and James has enjoyed his sessions of the residency at the Hilton Hotel in downtown Houston and I've enjoyed my quiet days in the hotel room. We'll be going home on Sunday.

Chilos Mexican Seafood Restaurant- We were hungry when we finally got to Houston, so we looked around for a place to eat and our GPS turned up the name Chilo's. I called to find out when they closed and was informed they didn't close until 2 am, although I could hardly hear them because there was a lot of background noise. It was close, so we ventured out and entered another world. We were the only Gringos there that weren't there with a Hispanic companion. They had live entertainment that was good, but LOUD. The food was so dang good. We decided to go back the next night because it wasn't expensive and it tasted so good. I'm pretty sure we had the waitress we had because she spoke the best English. The second night I decided to try something new and I ordered Tilapia. I tried to disguise my reaction when they brought me a whole fish that had been breaded and fried. I wish I had a picture of it. It was very good, but still through me off a bit.

Galveston Island-
We went to the visitor information center that is in the carriage house of the Ashton Villa. The lady there directed us to a great little local place to eat "Shrimp-n-Stuff". James of course enjoyed his fried oysters and I enjoyed way too much catfish and I even ate one of James' oysters (something I've never done). Then we went to the beach.
I should have known it would happen. It had rained on us about 80% of the way down to Houston and the lady in the visitor center had talked about how much they needed rain. As soon as we got the beach, it started raining. We went into a shop that was along the beach and wandered around for a while. When we had decided we'd go out in the water anyway and went to put our stuff away in the van, it started raining even harder. We sat in the van, finally had decided to just drive around for a while, and it stopped raining. We went, played in the Gulf of Mexico, buried each other in the sand, and just had fun. We went back again for a bit last night, made a small sandcastle, of course I didn't have the camera with me. As we were gassing up the van to head back to Houston, a man approached James and said, "Here, give this to your lady and tell her it was made by a real Galveston beach bum."
He proceeded to make me a palm rose. James and I both want to bring the kids down there for a vacation someday.

Houston Temple- It's been a long while since I've been to the temple. I'm always amazed by the feeling inside and how simply beautiful everything is.
I'm glad we were able to go. We performed the sealing for Linda's parents, which is a neat experience. I can't wait for them to finish the Kansas City temple so there will be one a little closer.

James' residency is being held at the Hilton America's in downtown Houston. We were luck enough to find an inexpensive hotel about a mile and a half away from the downtown area that is quick and easy to get to and from. I drive over and drop James off and then go pick him up. I will say, I kind of like driving here. James thinks I'm a natural city driver. It's always important to communicate clearly about when and where I'll be picking him up. There was some misunderstanding the first day and I spent about 2 hours driving around and around and sitting in an abandoned parking lot a couple block away and then driving around and around. It doesn't take long to get pretty familiar with an area.

Our hotel is a pretty nice stay. I was impressed with the appearance of the room, especially considering the price we are paying.

After we'd been here a couple days, I noticed there was a black light above the bed. The pictures will explain the rest.Just wait, there's more

All in all, it's been a fun trip. I'm glad I had the chance to come with James. I can't tell my in-laws thanks enough for taking care of the kids and letting me come.

For additional pictures of our trip click here.

Feelings

Tonight, my littlest one came to my room crying and sad. I picked her up and she put her arms around my neck and hugged, and wrapped her feet around me. I put in our bed and tucked her as she said, "Thanks." I sang her her song and then went back to what I was doing. She blew me a couple kisses before she drifted off to sleep.

So many feelings in life. They may be an abstract concept but they are very real. For instance, I really wanted to say "There are so many feelings in life" but after all these years, having had Mrs. Wanda pound it into my head during English that you can't start sentences with "there is," "there are," or "there was" because they aren't subjects, I still can't do it. Such a simple thing, but the effect is there.

Feelings can uplift and strengthen or they can drag us down. Some of the best feelings I've felt are love, friendship, hope, happiness, joy, etc. and it doesn't get much better than having little arms around your neck. The diversity of feelings never ceases to amaze me. What would life be like without feelings? Would there be any meaning to existence? I don't think so.

I'm glad for the feelings I've experienced, even those I didn't enjoy at the time I felt them such as sorrow, despair, hopelessness. Without the comparison the good wouldn't seem as good. So, I will continue to throw myself into each new day, intent on experiencing feelings to the fullest, wringing out every last drop to make the experience more full.

Character

"Character is simply habit long enough continued." -- Plutarch

"Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved." -- Helen Keller

"Everyone has the obligation to ponder well his own specific traits of character. he must also regulate them adequately and not wonder whether someone else's traits might suit him better. The more definitely his own a man's character is, the better it fits him." -- Cicero

"You cannot dream yourself into a character; you must hammer and forge yourself one." -- James A Froude

"People seem not so see that their opinion of the world is also a confession of their character." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Most people say that is the intellect which makes a great scientist. They are wrong: it is character." -- Albert Einstein

"Character, in the long run, is the decisive factor in the life of an individual and of nations alike." -- Theodore Roosevelt

"Character, not circumstance, makes the person." -- Booker T. Washington

"What lies behind us and what lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson

"If you will think about what you ought to do for other people, your character will take care of itself. Character is a by-product, and any man who devotes himself to its cultivation in his own case will become a selfish prig." -- Woodrow Wilson

"We are what we seem to be." Willard Gaylin

"Our lives teach us who we are." -- Salman Rushdie

A simple Google search will reveal all kinds of quote on all kinds of subjects. If only we had a Google search engine inside us that could perform the same service. I remember taking a class from SLCC, it was a college success class and I remember the professor using the analogy of a worker inside our brains who had the job of retrieving, managing, and filing things for us. It would be interesting to interview that worker of ours to see what logic is used for putting things where they are put. Is part of that logic reflective of our character? It makes me think of the country song that says "It's the little things, that make me love you so" and the chorus says "Those little things you do that make me love you/They're all I need to make my dreams come true/And you know what tears me all to pieces/Is the way you tell me that you love me too." (It was hard to type that without singing it to myself in my head as I typed). Anyway, it's the little things that show our character to those around us.

As Emerson also said, "What you are doing thunders so loudly in my ears that I cannot hear what you are saying." It is the things we do that say who we are. The good news is, if you don't like what you are portraying, it's always possible to change it, one little thing at a time.

Frisbee

Frisbee has been a favorite past-time of mine since I was a teenager. Maybe because I always had fun playing frisbee and always had such good company when I played. I remember playing with my brothers out on the street in front of our house. I didn't even mind too much when I almost took my eye out on a branch in Lafaye's orchard when I had to jump over the fence to retrieve the frisbee. We'd play "500" with the return missionary friends who were visiting, although I wasn't the best at that. We even took a frisbee out in the sand for one of my birthday cookouts and I think it's still out there. Jeff used to play very patiently with me (I've not always had the straightest throw) and Trent and Joshua used to play Frisbee with me after I'd get off work my first year in college.

Needless to say I have good memories of playing frisbee. I still enjoy playing and I've found a new companion to enjoy it with me.

Frasier is always excited when I get down the Frisbee and we head out the door. It is a great way to give him exercise. He's got his eye on the Frisbee right there and is ready to go.

This is the gravel piles the City keeps a half a block east and north of our house. I do like living on the edge of town. Even if I don't throw the Frisbee over the gravel piles, Frasier will usually detour over at least one on his way back to me.
As you can see, he takes some detours on the way back. The above picture, I had actually thrown the Frisbee over the big pile in the middle, but going over one pile wasn't enough for him.Here he is returning from a bathroom trip at the corner of the lot. The first couple times after we head outside he takes the Frisbee with him to do his business before he brings it back. He makes it so easy on me. I throw the Frisbee, watch him chase it down, often hurtling over the top of the gravel piles, and then when he's on the way back, I bend over and hold out my hand and he brings it right to me, even if it means he has to circle me a couple times to slow down. Frasier knows how to make me happy.

Here's a link with more pictures of our Frisbee trip today.

https://picasaweb.google.com/hyamiranda/Frisbee?authkey=Gv1sRgCOqp14nZnYaaRg&feat=directlink

"Could we change our attitude, we should not only see life differently, but life itself would come to be different." -- Katherine Mansfield.

I still love quotes. Someday I'll have to put all my quotes together in one place.

Interesting-what does it say about you?

I was yellow.

http://www.careerpath.com/career-tests/career-quiz/

I was an organizer.

http://www.careerpath.com/career-tests/color-test/

My turtles and fish

I have to say that I love my turtles. I could watch them all day. My favorite thing is to feed them by hand. They are actually pretty good at not biting me.

Of course, we know that if children hold something close enough for them to bite onto, they don't let go until they are out of the tank and then they go flying. The turtle was none the worse for it's 5-6 foot flight and landing on a wood floor. It tucked in its shell and the kids gathered around, and then, they scattered as he came out and started crawling.

We like to supplement their diet with feeder goldfish. It's best to buy the cheapest fish possible because they typically don't last long, with the exception of our 6 remaining goldfish. We also have "the monster fish" which is a large plecostamus.

Painted turtles are spread, with different varieties, across the US. They are aquatic and do great in the water as long as they have a basking area to sit on. They are fun to watch when they are hunting. I still can't believe how fast they are.

They are very inquisitive, very interactive, and have very good eyesight. They'll see me in the kitchen and start scratching at the tank when they are hungry. Of course, they decided to be camera shy.

Here is a link to more pictures in my online album. https://picasaweb.google.com/hyamiranda/MyTurtlesAndFish?authkey=Gv1sRgCLvq0pyV-ImQKA&feat=directlink

Quotes

"Optimism is the faith that leads to achievement. Nothing can be done without hope and confidence." Hellen Keller

"Once we believe in ourselves, we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight, or any experience that reveals the human spirit." E.E. Cummins

"Excellence is not an act but a habit. the things you do the most are the things you will do the best." Marva Collins

"Make voyages! -- Attempt them! -- there's nothing else..." Tennessee Williams

My thoughts- truth comes from many sources. Sometimes we see it when it comes, sometimes we don't. Sometimes we need to see it from one place because we won't see it from another. The search for truth is an ongoing journey that can be as exciting as we want it to be.