Something unspeakable

Yesterday, I had one of the most amazing experiences in my life. There are those moments when life is good, great, and wonderful, when you feel truly at peace and content. These moments can be caused by various things; as a wife and mother, the latest of these experiences has occurred in relation to moments with my family, particularly those moments when my children remind me of the preciousness of life. My experience yesterday, was of a different nature.

Despite the early frustrations of the day, after all, I'm a woman and I'm pregnant, my emotions are allowed to vary, right? The errands we ran, the fussing of the children, had built up a store of stress and anxiety. These stores are best if not kept, yet somehow, in our society, they can be difficult to get rid of. We had decided that on the way home from Hays we would stop and see Sonny and at the time we got there, when no horse was to be seen in the pasture he was supposed to be in, it was looking to be just the perfect finish to the day. We decided to walk to the back corner of the pasture and take a look from there. I carried the bridle and toward the end, Peter held onto the reins behind me; we were following a cow path, and it didn't work so well to hold hands beside me due to its single file nature. We found Sonny, in a corner of the pasture we hadn't previously known about and he seemed genuinely glad to see us, although not so anxious to have two, rather inexperienced would-be horse people, (mostly referring to me) put a bit in his mouth and bridle him. We finally managed, James managed to get on his back, and we all finally made our way back across the pasture (thankfully without the cows). By the truck, we had to set up our new saddle and cinch, but the holes weren't cooperating. It was my task to stand and hold the, now, very patient Sonny.

I don't know what it is about animals that makes us want to talk to them. I would challenge anyone to be confined somewhere with a friendly animal, with nothing else to entertain, and see if you don't just start talking. After all, who's to say the don't understand or least that they don't understand our feelings if not our words? I remember Nathan saying something about how he liked talking to babies and toddlers because you can say anything to them, as long as you say it in the right tone of voice. Now I wonder, just what has he said to my kids? In reality, it is a natural inclination to talk to animals and it doesn't really matter what we talk about, unlike when we are talking to people. When we talk to people we have to attempt to make sense, but animals, there is no strain on being politically correct, you don't have to worry about what you can and can't say, as long as you say it in a conversational way. Thoughts and feelings can be released in a natural way, just experiencing our thoughts out loud.

There I was, standing at Sonny's head, my initial nervousness and fear apparently had vanished, and I was talking. While the feeling may be unspeakable, I definitely spoke a lot. I talked and talked, petted and talked some more. While some people may advocate meditation for relaxation and calm, and I have personally experienced the deep relaxation of self-hypnosis and hypnosis and it is a deep, bone deep, feeling of all around, overall relaxation, this topped the list for the more conscious realm of relaxation and calm. All stress and anxiety that had built up over the day or over several days dissipated into thin air and things were truly peaceful. Things were going on, James was working on the saddle, the kids were playing in the dirt and the weeds, there was windmill clanking nearby, but it was calm, or rather, I was calm and relaxed as I have been only a few times in my life. The experience of interacting with Sonny, just standing there, being close and trusting, talking and petting, being used as a scratching post, was unspeakable. I don't know that words could possibly convey the depths of peace and tranquility that I experienced. It was such an experience that just remembering the feeling, putting myself there in my mind, breathing it again, and remember what it felt like, helped me go to sleep that night in less than half the time it usually takes, which is saying something.

Man has created a busy world, with almost constant movement and noise. It is hard to find a place where things stand still, where you can feel and hear yourself breathe and think and realize your existence in the world. Yet in a pasture, next to horse, it can be achieved.