gotta love it...

This came through my email today, thought I'd share it this way instead. Who knows, I might be activating some curse by doing so, but I'll risk it.

I just want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I no longer open a public bathroom doorwithout using a paper towel or have them put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't use the remote in a hotel room,because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread,because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving, because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one’s nose (although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot).



Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip, because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.



I can't touch any woman's purse, for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes ,because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.



ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.



I no longer have any savings, because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul, because I have 363,21420 angels looking out for me, andSt.. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC, because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, legs or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants,although I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to twelve of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola, because i t can remove toilet stains.



I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car, so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.



I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper, since the people who make these products are atheists, who refuse to put “Under God” on their cans.


I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave, because it causes cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore, because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones or vending machines, because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls, because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me..

I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex, since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target, since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone, because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan .

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus, since I now have their recipe.

THANKS TO YOU, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine, because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE, I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot, because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the brown recluse and my hand will fall off.

If you don't send th is e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large pelican with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon and mutant fleas from South America will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur, because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician…….



Oh, by the way.....

A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

No Success

Well, last Saturday was the first day of pheasant season here in the pheasant capital of the world. James, Ben, and I headed out into the crisp morning air to partake in the age old battle of man against birds. We had Neo and Frasier to help us with the work. Well, we got nothing... Didn't even see a pheasant in any of the areas we went to. Of course, we saw a couple flying and running out of other fields being worked over by hunters as we drove by. There are so many big groups that get together, that it is hard to compete for good areas.

All I got was sick. Sunday, I couldn't move without my head feeling like it was going to explode. So today, now that it is nice and cold and wet, and they are more likely to fly instead of run, James and Shane (a guy from our ward who lives and breathes bird hunting) get to go, with more of a chance for getting something and I'm stuck at home. Not so happy about that, but life goes on. I'll get my chance one of these days.

This is what I want to see:

It's quite an exciting feeling to have a pheasant come up out of the grass. They are beautiful birds.

Oh yea, and all Neo got was scraped from running into a barbed wire fence. He and Frasier were pretty dead after we got home. As someone I know always likes to remind us (aka, my little mother), "That work's hard when you're not used to it."

Chaos

Sometimes, chaos closes in. Your breathing tightens, your blood seems to pound through your body. You can feel yourself shaking, trembling, wishing for calm, wishing for peace. It doesn't matter how it starts, but it seems to always be there, waiting for an opportunity to strike. Once chaos finds a foothold, it's hard to get rid of. To breathe deeply, to not react, but act with calmness is a must, but sometimes, seems impossible.

When the chaos does pass, it still leaves an unsettled feeling. When will it attempt to strike again? Will it succeed? Can you ever truly get rid of it?

As they say, desperate times call for desperate measures. Chaos can be eliminated, eradicated, but only with a fight. Fight fire with fire, be stronger than the chaos. Smoke it out, you can't continue with it in your system.

Oh, for moments of peace. To recreate a time when the deepest feeling you felt was not chaos, but calm. Remember it, cling to it, hold on for dear life. Life goes on, the moment will pass. "This too shall pass away..."

Change in plans

I remember when I was in high school and people would ask me about my plans for the future. I would rattle off a list that was very carefully constructed, even if not realistic and not really that well thought out. It seemed realistic to me at the time, but it didn't really have a defined goal at the end. In my ignorance, I thought I had things worked out.

Well, plans changed, life happened, and because I really didn't have a goal, I went with it. I'm not saying that where I am now wouldn't have been an excellent goal and where I would have wanted to plan on being, but I am saying I would be better off at this point if I had arrived here on purpose.

I believe it was Elder Nelson, I could be wrong, who said something to the effect that failing to plan is planning to fail.

I don't believe that my overall life to this point has been a failure, but parts of it have. Different points in my life were not as well utilized, I believe as a result that I didn't plan. What does that mean for my future at this point?

Hopefully, I've learned the lesson and will no longer face failed points in my life. Right? Right. Moving on, defining our plans, rearranging as necessary, throwing in contingency plans. Can anyone really plan for the future? When I was in high school and people asked my plans, I didn't put in marriage, because it was an unknown. How much recognition should we give to known unknowns which may/will come?

Have I failed to this point? Perhaps, in some ways. Need I fail in the future? I guess time will tell.

What I've always wanted

I have often considered myself a fearful person. I'm afraid of the dark, afraid of heights, afraid of water, afraid of failure, and the list could go on. I have done my best at moving through life despite my fears.

I used to run as fast as I could between our house and Grandma Esplin's house if I had to go there after dark. Those of you who are familiar with Orderville realize that's not that far. Seems a bit extreme, right? Well, I can now comfortably go outside and do the chores at the farm at night, without the slightest discomfiture. I can walk around town after dark, I can stay in my home with the doors unlocked, I finally feel somewhat free from some of my fears. My answer? A big, beautiful, loving, protective grey ghost.

I always wanted a dog I could stand beside and rest my hand on his back, and now I have him. Neo is an answer to more prayers than one, and I feel certain he was brought into our lives for a reason. If people can be directed to people, why can't animals?

He is only a puppy (a year old tomorrow), but I know somewhat of what he is capable of. That knowledge is a separate story and maybe one that should be shared in private if any are curious. I feel comfortable and safe as I have not done in years.

Yep, he's the one. The dog that gives me confidence and saves me from some of my fear. Who'd have thought it? But know this, he's like the Hulk, or any other super hero. He has a calm, quiet, unassuming alter ego, with raw power and strength lurking beneath the surface.

What can I say, I love our dog. Well, one of them. Frasier is another story altogether and quite a different personality. Don't get me wrong, I love Frasier, but he's in a different league altogether. He's the Jester, Neo is the Knight.