gotta love it...

This came through my email today, thought I'd share it this way instead. Who knows, I might be activating some curse by doing so, but I'll risk it.

I just want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I no longer open a public bathroom doorwithout using a paper towel or have them put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't use the remote in a hotel room,because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread,because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving, because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one’s nose (although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot).



Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip, because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.



I can't touch any woman's purse, for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes ,because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.



ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.



I no longer have any savings, because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul, because I have 363,21420 angels looking out for me, andSt.. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC, because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, legs or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants,although I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to twelve of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola, because i t can remove toilet stains.



I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car, so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.



I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper, since the people who make these products are atheists, who refuse to put “Under God” on their cans.


I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave, because it causes cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore, because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones or vending machines, because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls, because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me..

I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex, since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target, since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone, because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan .

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus, since I now have their recipe.

THANKS TO YOU, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine, because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE, I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot, because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the brown recluse and my hand will fall off.

If you don't send th is e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large pelican with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon and mutant fleas from South America will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur, because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician…….



Oh, by the way.....

A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.