What struggling means to me...
- I'm barely holding it together
- I'm on the verge of tears
- I'm not sure what I'm doing
- I'm not sure what I want to be doing
- I'm not sure what my value is
- I'm not confident at the moment
- I'm just not sure what to be sure about
Whenever I struggle, it feels dark and lonely. I visualize being out hiking. At first I'm on a hill and it's bright and sunshiny and I can see for miles and miles around. The sky is blue, the clouds are cheerful and bright. Then I go down a hill into a valley, a draw, or a depression, and it gradually gets foggy and dank and dark. I'm unable to see where I am or where to go. It feels like I'm wandering aimlessly trying to find a way to get back to high ground so I can get out of the fog and back into the sunshine.
Feelings are as real as we make them. The feelings I experience when I struggle are real and while I'm struggling it is easy to feed into them, to give them more strength. In essence, I create my fog, I make it worse. I make it dark by looking way from the light. I make it dank by avoiding what is fresh.
The truth is, that none of that is real, but I make it real by giving it space. In truth, I know who I am, even if I have a hard time believing it at times. I have those around me who love me, support me, believe in me, and hope and pray for the best. I am at heart a positive optimist, even if I struggle. That means I'm human. I'm human and I struggle and I'm not afraid to admit it.
