Struggling...

Sometimes I just say, "I'm struggling," but what does that really mean? We all struggle with so many different things. I needed my mom's help today, because let's face it, sometimes we just need our mom and I am fortunate enough to still have her. She offered me someone else's help and I just had to admit that "I'm struggling" today and talking to someone was not the best idea at the moment... But again, what does that really mean?

What struggling means to me...

• I'm barely holding it together
• I'm on the verge of tears
• I'm not sure what I'm doing
• I'm not sure what I want to be doing
• I'm not sure what my value is
• I'm not confident at the moment
• I'm just not sure what to be sure about

Whenever I struggle, it feels dark and lonely. I visualize being out hiking. At first I'm on a hill and it's bright and sunshiny and I can see for miles and miles around. The sky is blue, the clouds are cheerful and bright. Then I go down a hill into a valley, a draw, or a depression, and it gradually gets foggy and dank and dark. I'm unable to see where I am or where to go. It feels like I'm wandering aimlessly trying to find a way to get back to high ground so I can get out of the fog and back into the sunshine. 

Feelings are as real as we make them. The feelings I experience when I struggle are real and while I'm struggling it is easy to feed into them, to give them more strength. In essence, I create my fog, I make it worse. I make it dark by looking way from the light. I make it dank by avoiding what is fresh. 

The truth is, that none of that is real, but I make it real by giving it space. In truth, I know who I am, even if I have a hard time believing it at times. I have those around me who love me, support me, believe in me, and hope and pray for the best. I am at heart a positive optimist, even if I struggle. That means I'm human. I'm human and I struggle and I'm not afraid to admit it.